Now I See it
After 6 years, I finally opened the folder I backed up from my dad’s phone.
I kept all his photos and videos at that time on my hard drive. No one is managing the archive from the family; I am the only one who has all the data and files. Before we put the mobile phone in his columbarium. I backed up as much data as I could.
He took a lot of videos, filming himself about his treatment at the hospital, and these were sent to his family in his hometown. I never received them, videos of how he described his experience and how he suffered. But at the same time, he also had these funny selfies and acted like a comedian.
I found out he was making screenshots of my photos. He secretly saved my profile photos a few times. I haven’t checked all of them yet, especially the videos; I’m afraid to hear his voice. Actually, I just opened the folder once.
There was this notebook he left, and he wrote down our heights at different times. He also wrote down the reason and the date when he had a big fight with my sister, and they stopped talking to each other.
They never got along, and I knew that since I was 6 years old. He told me that I was his favourite person, my birth made his life beautiful and that my sister was difficult. This is stuck in my mind until now. I don’t like it because it felt manipulative, and I don’t think I will be someone’s favourite person again.
I had a car crash at age 13 (got hit mildly), and the next day, he said he had a nightmare last night. And he felt the need to ask for more compensation from the driver, even though I was checked and seemed fine. I got no injury at all. I couldn’t walk so well for one day because the car hit my knees.
When I was in Beijing, he said the same thing that he had many weird dreams and said he wanna come to Beijing in his voice messages a few days before he died. Last time I saw him, I was a bit mad at him. I was even madder for a long time when I knew I couldn’t see him again, that he couldn’t wait.
I’m still in the process of sorting out the archives, very slowly. I am not sure if it is ethical, and it takes a lot of emotional energy to see them, but as for now, I think of it as a gift I got from him.
Jan, 2026
I kept all his photos and videos at that time on my hard drive. No one is managing the archive from the family; I am the only one who has all the data and files. Before we put the mobile phone in his columbarium. I backed up as much data as I could.
He took a lot of videos, filming himself about his treatment at the hospital, and these were sent to his family in his hometown. I never received them, videos of how he described his experience and how he suffered. But at the same time, he also had these funny selfies and acted like a comedian.
I found out he was making screenshots of my photos. He secretly saved my profile photos a few times. I haven’t checked all of them yet, especially the videos; I’m afraid to hear his voice. Actually, I just opened the folder once.
There was this notebook he left, and he wrote down our heights at different times. He also wrote down the reason and the date when he had a big fight with my sister, and they stopped talking to each other.
They never got along, and I knew that since I was 6 years old. He told me that I was his favourite person, my birth made his life beautiful and that my sister was difficult. This is stuck in my mind until now. I don’t like it because it felt manipulative, and I don’t think I will be someone’s favourite person again.
I had a car crash at age 13 (got hit mildly), and the next day, he said he had a nightmare last night. And he felt the need to ask for more compensation from the driver, even though I was checked and seemed fine. I got no injury at all. I couldn’t walk so well for one day because the car hit my knees.
When I was in Beijing, he said the same thing that he had many weird dreams and said he wanna come to Beijing in his voice messages a few days before he died. Last time I saw him, I was a bit mad at him. I was even madder for a long time when I knew I couldn’t see him again, that he couldn’t wait.
I’m still in the process of sorting out the archives, very slowly. I am not sure if it is ethical, and it takes a lot of emotional energy to see them, but as for now, I think of it as a gift I got from him.
Jan, 2026
//4:42 <2 mins> 4:44
I wake up quite often in the middle of the night. Many times, when I looked up the time on the phone, it would be 4:44.
This time, I woke up again from a weird dream. I hadn’t opened my eyes. I forced myself to sleep, but I couldn’t. When I was about to open my eyes and see what time, I said to myself, not this time again.
uffff, 4:42. Somehow I immediately realized the digital clock in the living room, which is always 2 minutes ahead, 4:44 appeared, but it’s just not on my screen, not in my range of sight. Damn, this time got me, it gave me a scare, especially when I was still calming from the dream. When I did no action in these two minutes, except getting disturbed by my thoughts. I also started to wonder if I earned the time or if my time was stolen.
Is there something always two minutes ahead in my life? It’s just that I don’t see and realize it (yet).
Or like a star, it blinked, and you just haven’t seen it. Is it what time is doing to us? It’s always already there. It’s just you haven’t arrived, or you haven’t visited back.
Sep, 2025
This time, I woke up again from a weird dream. I hadn’t opened my eyes. I forced myself to sleep, but I couldn’t. When I was about to open my eyes and see what time, I said to myself, not this time again.
uffff, 4:42. Somehow I immediately realized the digital clock in the living room, which is always 2 minutes ahead, 4:44 appeared, but it’s just not on my screen, not in my range of sight. Damn, this time got me, it gave me a scare, especially when I was still calming from the dream. When I did no action in these two minutes, except getting disturbed by my thoughts. I also started to wonder if I earned the time or if my time was stolen.
Is there something always two minutes ahead in my life? It’s just that I don’t see and realize it (yet).
Or like a star, it blinked, and you just haven’t seen it. Is it what time is doing to us? It’s always already there. It’s just you haven’t arrived, or you haven’t visited back.
Sep, 2025
am i a npc too? :(
I feel resonated with JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure in terms of locations, the scale of space changes in each season and how the story unfolds with its own narrative. Living in different cities in the past made me understand how physical space influences your experience.
Also, it affects the characters (including yourself), how they perceive themselves and settle themselves into a collective narrative, identity and community. dynamics change; closeness between people changes. In a big city, you can be anonymous; in a small city, you know everyone through a mutual connection. I used to think other people were characters designed when I was a child. and they felt like NPCs, since I only had access to my own consciousness. Actually, two people can live in a big city for years without ever meeting, and then, suddenly, they do. Somehow, that person enters your narrative and becomes more than just an NPC.
Connection, space, distance, and time are factors that make our lives become intertwined with others. When you activate a connection, it brings someone to life, it allows you to see them, and for them to see you. I sometimes wonder how many episodes I was in someone’s adventure, or how many more you will be in mine.
Jul, 2025
Also, it affects the characters (including yourself), how they perceive themselves and settle themselves into a collective narrative, identity and community. dynamics change; closeness between people changes. In a big city, you can be anonymous; in a small city, you know everyone through a mutual connection. I used to think other people were characters designed when I was a child. and they felt like NPCs, since I only had access to my own consciousness. Actually, two people can live in a big city for years without ever meeting, and then, suddenly, they do. Somehow, that person enters your narrative and becomes more than just an NPC.
Connection, space, distance, and time are factors that make our lives become intertwined with others. When you activate a connection, it brings someone to life, it allows you to see them, and for them to see you. I sometimes wonder how many episodes I was in someone’s adventure, or how many more you will be in mine.
Jul, 2025
Mariko Uda Raises Awareness of Torontonians with their Rivers in her Self-published Book
![]()
Mariko Uda’s journey into self-publishing started because of a book festival. Booking a table in 2019 at The Word On The Street Toronto set the deadline to finally publish her book, which she developed the idea of writing after years of studying various environmental disciplines.
Uda considers herself an environmentalist. She studied biology and chemistry at university. After a few years working for Ontario Power Generation, she studied for her second undergraduate degree in civil engineering. She also did a certificate in architectural technology and finally finished her Ph.D in civil engineering.
Her debut book, Where Does It All Come From? Where does it all go? - Toronto’s Water, Energy, and Waste Systems is a Toronto-specific picture book. The origin of it comes from her presentation slides at different talks at the university during her Ph.D. “After doing it several times, I started to think these would make a good book,” she says.
“The book is a mix of my civil engineering, my environmental awareness, my art, and a bit of spirituality-like connection,” says Uda. Despite not attending any art academy, she has loved drawing since childhood. To create the illustrations within her book, she also took a cartooning class to learn how to draw.
Uda explains how Toronto’s water, energy and waste systems work simply. She learned how the water, sewage, and stormwater systems work when she studied civil engineering. “If people are more aware of how things work, then they're more engaged in political decisions,” she says. “I feel like everyone should know the basics.” She believes that once we have an awareness of our environment, we will develop a caring relationship.
Uda has been inspired by the land of Toronto. Learning from Indigenous people about connecting to our rivers, she realized the importance of the connection between the place and the people. By demonstrating sewage treatment plants and rivers with the maps in her book, she hopes people can create a relationship with their rivers. “The main purpose of the book is to connect people to the specific places that support their daily living,” she says.
Her friend, Helen Mills, is also an influence on her. Helen Mills is the founder of a project called Lost Rivers, and they do walks along the buried rivers. “There are places were used to be rivers in Toronto, but now the rivers are in pipes,” says Uda. “Meeting her encouraged me to get to know the land as well.” The thrust of walking upon the lost rivers is to let people connect with the land, and this thought is also built in Uda’s heart.
“To be aware of the water in me came from somewhere, the water in the lake, and so I'm connected to the lake,” says Uda. “It’s similar to being aware of the food we eat during mindfulness meditation,” she says, “The energy that we use always comes from somewhere.”
Mariko Uda’s Website
Oct, 2022
Uda considers herself an environmentalist. She studied biology and chemistry at university. After a few years working for Ontario Power Generation, she studied for her second undergraduate degree in civil engineering. She also did a certificate in architectural technology and finally finished her Ph.D in civil engineering.
Her debut book, Where Does It All Come From? Where does it all go? - Toronto’s Water, Energy, and Waste Systems is a Toronto-specific picture book. The origin of it comes from her presentation slides at different talks at the university during her Ph.D. “After doing it several times, I started to think these would make a good book,” she says.
“The book is a mix of my civil engineering, my environmental awareness, my art, and a bit of spirituality-like connection,” says Uda. Despite not attending any art academy, she has loved drawing since childhood. To create the illustrations within her book, she also took a cartooning class to learn how to draw.
Uda explains how Toronto’s water, energy and waste systems work simply. She learned how the water, sewage, and stormwater systems work when she studied civil engineering. “If people are more aware of how things work, then they're more engaged in political decisions,” she says. “I feel like everyone should know the basics.” She believes that once we have an awareness of our environment, we will develop a caring relationship.
Uda has been inspired by the land of Toronto. Learning from Indigenous people about connecting to our rivers, she realized the importance of the connection between the place and the people. By demonstrating sewage treatment plants and rivers with the maps in her book, she hopes people can create a relationship with their rivers. “The main purpose of the book is to connect people to the specific places that support their daily living,” she says.
Her friend, Helen Mills, is also an influence on her. Helen Mills is the founder of a project called Lost Rivers, and they do walks along the buried rivers. “There are places were used to be rivers in Toronto, but now the rivers are in pipes,” says Uda. “Meeting her encouraged me to get to know the land as well.” The thrust of walking upon the lost rivers is to let people connect with the land, and this thought is also built in Uda’s heart.
“To be aware of the water in me came from somewhere, the water in the lake, and so I'm connected to the lake,” says Uda. “It’s similar to being aware of the food we eat during mindfulness meditation,” she says, “The energy that we use always comes from somewhere.”
Mariko Uda’s Website
Oct, 2022